My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
