Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
