You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
where are you?
Hypothermia
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
