i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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