Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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