life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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