there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
