"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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