Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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