she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize