Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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