Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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