Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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