just tell him i said nine months
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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