I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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