and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
