my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
