I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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