i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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