If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
