Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
