I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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