did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
