Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
