when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
