you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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