if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
