my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
