I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
