remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
