I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just invented taco cereal.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You need a sexual gate keeper
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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