Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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