I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
