I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize