Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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