I wish my penis had an off switch
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She needs sedatives and a leash
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
