I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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