i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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