dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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