Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize