i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My liver just had a heart attack.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
