i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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