eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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