Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
