I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
