i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
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