Whatcha textin bout Willis?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
