She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
