Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
