and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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