I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
