When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i now understand why vodka
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
