: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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