My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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