Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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