Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How's work?
Spinning.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
