I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
