you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
